Reeling in the Chaos
I have been in hiding lately. This happens to me, or I should say, I enforce this upon myself, at least 3-4 times a year. This time is for self-preservation and reflection. It is the only way I know to come back to myself; to reel in the chaos that encompasses our lives at times. To make sure, that I am living life, and not just letting life happen to me. It started out as being something just for me, but it has slowly become a time to also make sure that I am letting my children experience the things in life that are most important.
I have been doing this for a few years now. I found myself loving be a mom to the most adorable little girl in the whole wide world. My life evolved around her. And you know- although nothing in the world could make me happier than meeting her every need, everything else was being pushed aside. Every other aspect of my life was suffering due to the lack of attention it was getting. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror or in pictures. I didn't get out of the house much or have many friends. I think the pivotal moment was when John and I went out of town together for the first time ever, without Ava. She was 3 months away from being 3. It was December, and I had gone through a miscarriage. I was struggling with wanting to get pregnant again right away. I had nothing but children on my mind. I was sitting next to John on the plane. He turned to me and said, "You know what? It's really weird to be alone with you. I don't know who you are without having a baby around. It's weird to see you out of your "mom" role." We kind of laughed about it. But that hit me. Who was I away from my child? Had John and I had really meaningful connections on a regular basis that just focused on us and our relationship since we had Ava? What hobbies did I have anymore? And right there I decided to put children out of my mind for the weekend and enjoy my husband. We had a really good time. And that began my journey back to me. I joined the choir at church. I started exercising. I joined mom groups and playgroups. And I made time for my husband. And even though I got pregnant again very soon, I became aware that I can still have a life that mostly evolves around my children without losing who I am.
But it's not always easy. Now I find the need to refocus every now and then. See- I thought that when I became a stay-at-home mom, that is what I would be. A stay-at-home mom. I thought I would have plenty of time to meet every one's needs. I would be able to go to the gym, give time to my interests, take the kids to play dates and the library, and all the activities that expand their little minds, while spending some days following whatever whim we chose. I did not envision a schedule packed to the hilt, with little time for the most important things. Which is where I find myself more often than not. So it is a constant struggle to bring me and my brood back to where I want to be.
This is easier said than done. We have commitments. We have preschool and dance and swimming and play dates and moms clubs. We have errands. We go grocery shopping and clothes shopping and pick this up and drop this off. We have chores. Chores that must be done to ensure that I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And I get to the point where I am looking at our weekly schedule, Saying, "Whoa...SLOW DOWN...something has got to give here!!" Where is the time for the most important things? Just playing. Just enjoying each other. Long walks. Doing things for other people. Meeting John for lunch. Even library visits have been pushed aside (which in my mind is a catastrophe). I have not exercised in months. It is time to get back to what is most important.
What is most important? I start these reevaluating sessions by taking inventory. I make lists. A list of things that are working for me, and a list of things that are not. What do I need more of? What are my kids missing? Is my relationship with John in a good place? What do we need to do without; what is sucking precious time that could be spent doing things that have gotten left behind?
Well- I find that we are over scheduled yet again. We are taking a small break from dance for a while- Ava's choice to do so. I am going to need to let some friends know that we can't get together every week. Maybe every other week would work better. In those places, I would like to set up a service project monthly for our family. I would like to start taking walks every afternoon with the kids. I would like our morning yoga routine with prayers and meditation to happen every morning, because it seems to get our day off on the right foot.
And the biggest thing lacking right now is my time. I need to exercise. I need to sing. These things help to restore my soul. This blog has helped meet some of my creative needs, but I need a scheduled time to write. My scrapbooks and photo albums remain untouched. I think I need a little more organization to get the chores and mundane things done, so I have set up a message center/calendar/to do list board in my kitchen.
On the plus side, John and I are good, better than good actually. We have been making the most of our date nights, since we set them up, on a weekly basis. We make time for each other after the kids are in bed. A few weeks ago when we found ourselves out of town alone- John looked at me across the table and said, "It doesn't feel weird to be alone with you anymore. I really enjoy our time."
I smiled. It feels good to be living my life how I want to live it. It might get out of control at times. It may get crazy, and I might not always be doing everything I want to, but it is liberating to know that we can make this life for our children and our family, whatever we want it to be. It just takes some readjusting. So I make time for that. And now I can get back to enjoying life, and this quiet place I have created for a while.
I have been doing this for a few years now. I found myself loving be a mom to the most adorable little girl in the whole wide world. My life evolved around her. And you know- although nothing in the world could make me happier than meeting her every need, everything else was being pushed aside. Every other aspect of my life was suffering due to the lack of attention it was getting. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror or in pictures. I didn't get out of the house much or have many friends. I think the pivotal moment was when John and I went out of town together for the first time ever, without Ava. She was 3 months away from being 3. It was December, and I had gone through a miscarriage. I was struggling with wanting to get pregnant again right away. I had nothing but children on my mind. I was sitting next to John on the plane. He turned to me and said, "You know what? It's really weird to be alone with you. I don't know who you are without having a baby around. It's weird to see you out of your "mom" role." We kind of laughed about it. But that hit me. Who was I away from my child? Had John and I had really meaningful connections on a regular basis that just focused on us and our relationship since we had Ava? What hobbies did I have anymore? And right there I decided to put children out of my mind for the weekend and enjoy my husband. We had a really good time. And that began my journey back to me. I joined the choir at church. I started exercising. I joined mom groups and playgroups. And I made time for my husband. And even though I got pregnant again very soon, I became aware that I can still have a life that mostly evolves around my children without losing who I am.
But it's not always easy. Now I find the need to refocus every now and then. See- I thought that when I became a stay-at-home mom, that is what I would be. A stay-at-home mom. I thought I would have plenty of time to meet every one's needs. I would be able to go to the gym, give time to my interests, take the kids to play dates and the library, and all the activities that expand their little minds, while spending some days following whatever whim we chose. I did not envision a schedule packed to the hilt, with little time for the most important things. Which is where I find myself more often than not. So it is a constant struggle to bring me and my brood back to where I want to be.
This is easier said than done. We have commitments. We have preschool and dance and swimming and play dates and moms clubs. We have errands. We go grocery shopping and clothes shopping and pick this up and drop this off. We have chores. Chores that must be done to ensure that I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And I get to the point where I am looking at our weekly schedule, Saying, "Whoa...SLOW DOWN...something has got to give here!!" Where is the time for the most important things? Just playing. Just enjoying each other. Long walks. Doing things for other people. Meeting John for lunch. Even library visits have been pushed aside (which in my mind is a catastrophe). I have not exercised in months. It is time to get back to what is most important.
What is most important? I start these reevaluating sessions by taking inventory. I make lists. A list of things that are working for me, and a list of things that are not. What do I need more of? What are my kids missing? Is my relationship with John in a good place? What do we need to do without; what is sucking precious time that could be spent doing things that have gotten left behind?
Well- I find that we are over scheduled yet again. We are taking a small break from dance for a while- Ava's choice to do so. I am going to need to let some friends know that we can't get together every week. Maybe every other week would work better. In those places, I would like to set up a service project monthly for our family. I would like to start taking walks every afternoon with the kids. I would like our morning yoga routine with prayers and meditation to happen every morning, because it seems to get our day off on the right foot.
And the biggest thing lacking right now is my time. I need to exercise. I need to sing. These things help to restore my soul. This blog has helped meet some of my creative needs, but I need a scheduled time to write. My scrapbooks and photo albums remain untouched. I think I need a little more organization to get the chores and mundane things done, so I have set up a message center/calendar/to do list board in my kitchen.
On the plus side, John and I are good, better than good actually. We have been making the most of our date nights, since we set them up, on a weekly basis. We make time for each other after the kids are in bed. A few weeks ago when we found ourselves out of town alone- John looked at me across the table and said, "It doesn't feel weird to be alone with you anymore. I really enjoy our time."
I smiled. It feels good to be living my life how I want to live it. It might get out of control at times. It may get crazy, and I might not always be doing everything I want to, but it is liberating to know that we can make this life for our children and our family, whatever we want it to be. It just takes some readjusting. So I make time for that. And now I can get back to enjoying life, and this quiet place I have created for a while.
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